Off Topic Board

I don't remember literally. But one night when I was younger, I came home smoked ( when I still lived with mother) anyway I go out behind the garage to puke and she opens the door to see if it is me out there, so for some reason instead of just saying yes, I decide to try and jump the fence like she was the cops or something. Did a flip landed head first damn near broke my neck and laid in my neighbors yard for about an hour.

That time Worly beat me up I was pretty damn punch drunk.

I don't know but I never really got insanely drunk I don't think anyways. But I will share a short story about one of my friends. A bunch of us went over to his ex gf/crush's house one night while her parents were away. He really still had feelings for her and the dude just drank, I mean like chugging cups of vodka. Dude was probably the most drunk I've seen someone. He was puking like crazy later on.

How'd you find out that was me?

I'll keep that in mind...

I've got a pretty good one that ill tell when I get home. Don't feel like typing it on my phone.

Alright, here it is. Sorry to keep you waiting Worly. One time myself, The Tiger Hawk, and another buddy of ours were drinkin. This was my soph year of college. I moved out for my freshman year, moved back w/ my parents my soph year, then went to IC. So at this time I was living with my parents. All 3 of us lived within like 1.5 miles of eachother. We're drinking at our buddies parents house, and had a texas 5th of Jim Beam. The Tiger Hawk and myself were pro drinkers, we could handle a lot, however our buddy wasn't. Between the 3 of us, we downed the entire handle in less than 3 hours with our buddy passing out well before it was finished.. So TH(Tiger Hawk) decides he's gonna walk home. I tell him no, and that I'll drive him. So we walk to my parents house which was like a block away, and get my car. We're just pulling into the neighborhood where TH lives, and he asks me if I need to puke, and I say yes. Pull over, and we both puke out of our doors. Continue on to his house. Drop him off, and head back to my parents.
Our neighborhoods were connected, so I could take neighborhood streets all the way back to my parents house. I get home, and go up to my room. The room starts spinning, and I know I'm gonna puke. I hop outta bed, and went to our downstairs bathroom, so I wouldn't wake up my parents or little sister (no pics). Well, I wake up to the sound of my mom (no pic) making coffee. I walk out of the bathroom in nothing but my underwear, and she asks me what the hell I'm doing because it's like 6am. I'm still hammered, tell her I was down there taking a dump, and didnt want to wake anyone up if I did it upstairs lol. So I go back to bed. Spend all day in bed, and my dad comes home that night. Asks me if I had a good time last night, and I tell him yup, but didn't get too crazy. He asks me if I drove drunk, and I told him no. He then tells me to go look at my car outside.
We had an addition poured on our driveway, so we could fit 3 cars acrossed it. I was always on the far left side, and my dads crappy work car was parked to the right of where I park. Well sure enough, when I walk outside, my car is diagonal in my spot. The front of my car is about 4 inches from the front of my dads car, and the back of my car is about 4 feet from the back of his car. He just looked at me and told me not to be stupid again/csb Thats probably one of the drunkest nights I've ever had.

Mine is strictly a drunk story that I may well have already told at some time in the past. Pig roast and kegger from heaven and hell. Don't have enough time to write it now so I will save it for another time. Until next time.

Oh my God, since mentioning the hog roast/kegger incident I have recalled a night when I drank a fifth of gin in about 25 minutes. This was at a friends grandpa's cabin on the Mississippi near a makeout spot called Maternity Beach. I guess I'll have to tell that story too since it is a toss up which one was the most.

Oh hell, wait a minute, there is also a story regarding waking up draped over a table at a Boy Scout camp after going to a pary at a buddies place in Keokuk. Damn, so many drunken moments of abject idiocy and so little time. I'll try and get one of them told tonight.

(Paraphrasing Jefferson Airplanes "3/5 of a mile in 10 sec") I call this story "3/5's of a bottle of gin in 25 minutes." About 1968 I went down to Green Bay bottoms (at the juncture of the Skunk River and the Mississippi) to a small cabin owned by my buddy "Iron" Orr's grandfather. It was just down the levee from the infamous "Maternity Beach" make out spot along the big river. I got to the party but had neglected to bring along any alcohol. I bummed a beer off a friend and then went scouting for a new comer or a drinking light weight. Then I found Bruce. He was walking around with a bottle of gin that was most the way full. Bruce was a light weight among light weights. I told Bruce I wanted a pull off his gin. He reluctantly allowed me and I proceeded to enjoy about a 30 second major chug on the bottle. Bruce sort of slunk away, obviously aware that he was in the presence of a truely insane alcoholic. He left the bottle with me. Bad, bad mistake for moi. I finished off the gin in about 20-25 minutes taking huge chugs every few minutes. A few friends stopped to observe and cheer me on. What else are high school friends for but to root for you when you are so obviously trying to kill yourself. I went out on the porch of the cabin and threw the empty gin bottle in the river. This was, needless to say, long before the advent of the green nation and of course, were this event to be repeated now, I would recycle the bottle rather than try to knock out a carp with it. I returned to the cabin to look for something else to drink. Bruce approached and asked what I did with his gin. With a grin I am sure, I informed him that it was gone. Incredulously he wanted to know if I had consumed all of it. "Of course" I rejoined "what the hell did you think I would do with it?" Bruce walked away and I went back out on the cabin porch. I walked out to find one of my best friend's extremely buxom girl friend teeter on the edge of falling over the railing of the porch and doing a face plant into the levee sand about three feet down from the porch floor. I reached out and grabbed her from behind, wrapping my arms around her and ending up with two hands full of very firm Raejean breasts. I pulled her back and told her to be more careful because she was much too drunk to be walking around on the porch.

At that moment, an explosion went off in my brain and I remember nothing for the next 3 hours. Apparently I did a backwards face plant onto the wooden planks of the deck and remained sprawled there for an extended period of time. I was informed later that Raejean and another girl Susie ministered to me the entire evening. I was also told that I puked copiously off the edge of the deck.

The party began breaking up in the 1:00 to 2:00 am range and I finally started to come around. I tried to stand but fell off the porch and into the sand. Now at that time I was a towering 5' 4" and over 200 lbs. Two guys decided they would take me home, "Iron" and a hanger on guy "Rogie" who was a homosexual. Now neither of those guys were over 5' 5" and a maybe 125 lbs each. They picked me up under the arms, and proceeded to drag me, not walk me, but drag me down the levee towards "Iron's" dads car. They dropped me on my face many times. Occasionally my drunked stupor would clear long enough for me to yell at them that I could walk. This was welcome news to their ear and they would release me only to watch me fall face first into the sand and the sandburs which the levee was littered with. We got to "Iron's" car and took off for Ft Madison. I was in the backseat of the 66 chevy Impala as we drove. The gus decided I was much to drunk still to take me home so they drove to a place called the "Lincoln Hotel" in downtown Ft Madison. They went in and got me some coffee and brought it out. I drank some and then proceeded to vomit all over the back seat. Now, "Iron" was a less than happy camper so he decided I was going home now. As they pulled up in front of my house, neither of my saviors was interested in meeting my father at the back door when they tried to take me inside, so they drug me out of the car, across the zoysia grass lawn and propped me up against a redbud tree right in the middle of our front yard. Apparently I slept there for a while but God was with me in so many ways that night since he allowed me to sober up enough to drag/crawl/stagger from the front yard around the garage and in the back door. Neither the milkman, my mom or my dad discovered me slinking in and creeping ever so slowly to the basement stairs and down into my sanctuary where I immediately passed out again. Later that morning I awoke to find I was still fully clothed and every single open space in my clothing (pockets, beltline, ears, nose, etc) was filled with sand and sandburs. My head was in critical condition and I am sure I murdered at least ten million perfectly innocent brain cells that night. I didn't die of alcohol poison although I certainly should have, but, the mere smell of gin will make me sick to this day. Never, ever, ever drank gin again.